Description

Dit boek schrijf ik op dit moment in het Engels, gewoon omdat het in het Engels binnenkomt. Als alle hoofdstukken af zijn, herschrijf ik ze in het Nederlands. 

Hieronder vind je de originele toelichting: 

‘When I’m not there, I’m here’ contains all the things I hope my children will know when I go. And if I’m still around, I hope they will find comfort in these words and know that I am here for them, even when I am not.

This book is for all children. And for everyone who needed to hear these words as a child. Or today.

PREVIEW

‘When I’m not there, I’m here’ contains all the things I hope my children will know when I go. And if I’m still around, I hope they will find comfort in these words and know that I am here for them, even when I am not. 

This book is for all children. And for all who were once children and would have liked having someone say this to them when they were young. Or even now. 

I started writing this book on October 13, 2020. I hope to publish it in 2021. You can pre-order it now for €22,22.

[This book will also be published in Dutch.]

PREVIEW:

WHEN I’M NOT THERE, I’M HERE.

What I miss most about my father since he passed away, are the conversations we will never have. The advice I will not have a chance to ignore. The good intentions that will not go unnoticed. And the memories we will never remember together. 

At the time of his passing, everything that needed to be said and could have been understood at that point in my life, was said. 

I often wonder what he would say to me now. Now that I am so much more true to who I was as the little child he had known. Now that I am much more open to his views on life. 

I have no idea what his hopes, dreams and fears were. I have no idea what type of father he tried to be. It doesn’t matter. I know he tried and that’s enough.

I try as well. I talk to both my children on a deep level and they respond. I listen to them and sometimes they listen to me. I encourage them to be them, and they are. I hope our conversations help them grow as much as they do me. I hope my actions express my never ending love and affection for them. I try to show them every day. I will hold their hand for as long as they want me to. But I may not be here for as long as they need me. And I do want to say to them all the things I would have loved to hear and know as a child. And still would. They don’t have to listen. They don’t have to agree. They don’t even have to read it. But if one day they do, and I’m not there, I’m here.

*****

LIFE IS FOR LIVING.        

In this lifetime, you will experience many things I would love to be able to protect you from. Burdens that, if given a choice, I would willingly and lovingly carry for you if I could. Thankfully, I can’t, because my protection would make you absolutely vulnerable to anything. If I could make your life easy for you, you would end up with a hard life. 

Please know and understand that our deepest work, our most crucial growth, is often rooted in pain. This is not necessarily a bad thing. See yourself as a lobster who literally needs to break out of its old shell in order to grow into its new self. Going through the pain with all you have will give you the kind of power that can only be accessed by rising above the self that feared the pain.

I know you can handle anything that comes your way. If not, I firmly believe you would not have to experience it. Usually, you will find out that there’s something better waiting for you on the other side. The loved one who dumps you will make room for someone better. The job you won’t get, even though you were the most qualified to do it, will make room for a purpose you will discover soon after. Or twenty years later. The car crash will point you into a better direction then where your life was going. The heartbreak will help you feel more deeply. The loss will show you how much you really have. The big things crashing down on you will show you it was all about the little things anyway. 

Life is for living, my darling. And that can only be done by experiencing everything it throws your way. The good, the bad, and the ugly. True beauty lies in living through all of it. True bliss lies in loving all of it. True wisdom lies in learning from all of it. And we learn most from the things we’d rather not learn. 

I cannot do it for you, but I will be there with you. I will cheer you on, hold your hand, open my arms, hold the door, and have your back. Always. 

*****

I’M SORRY.

I’m sorry for when I was too little or too much. 

I’m sorry for all the times I did not see you, when I was too self-involved or not present enough. 

I’m sorry for the times I didn’t listen well enough.

I’m sorry for when I listened, but still couldn’t hear you. 

I’m sorry for all the times I got it wrong. 

I’m sorry for all the times I may have been right, but it shouldn’t have mattered. 

I’m sorry I wasn’t always there when you needed me. 

I’m sorry for when I projected my truths onto you. 

I’m sorry I worked so hard when you were little.

I’m sorry I didn’t always value myself enough to show you how you could value you. 

I’m sorry I yelled at you when I was angry with myself.

I’m sorry for when I told you what I should have shown you. 

I’m sorry I hurt you. 

I’m sorry I hurt me. 

I’m sorry. 

I am.

I did what I could. 

I know that’s enough. 

And now I can do better. 

P.S. This is an apology to me as much as it is to you. 

*****

DON’T LET ANYONE DEFINE YOUR INTELLIGENCE.

Don’t let the education system -or anyone, for that matter- define your intelligence. They have no clue how to measure it. 

There are many forms of intelligence. Your teachers are told to look for only one, which is basically: the amount of data you can reproduce, times the speed you can do this at.  

Schools don’t measure the realms of naturalistic, musical, logical–mathematical, existential, interpersonal, linguistic, bodily–kinaesthetic, intra–personal and spatial intelligence. Which is a shame, for these include a lot of the qualities that will build a new world. 

And yet, they are still forms of outer intelligence and therefore limited by space, time, order, logic, and context. Far more powerful is your -and our- inner intelligence. The silent whisper of multidimensional wisdom that comes through your highest self and always speaks the truth.  We’ll get back to that. 

First, back to old-fashioned knowledge.

Knowledge used to equal power. Not only is power a currency I hope you will not be valuing over love, meaning, and compassion. Also,  the term ‘knowledge’  should not be restricted to the traditional IQ type of data. But for now, let’s pretend it is. Even then, knowledge is not something you need to own anymore. Your generation -unlike any other before you- has immediate access to infinite knowledge, and it’s only a click away. Not that the majority of the current education system will have the perspective to look as far beyond their curriculum as the world needs, but at least rest assured there is no question they will ever ask you, that you cannot find the answer to. You will. Probably within 30 seconds, if you enter the right keywords.The danger is not that you may not find the system’s answers. The danger is they may not allow you to question the answers. 

[With ‘they’, I don’t mean your teachers. They are as stuck in the old paradigms, and rules, and regulations, as anyone. Always appreciate your teachers for their willingness to teach. Do not resent them for what they are forced to teach you. This is how you learn to think for yourself, which is and always will be your own responsibility.]

For most people, learning happens mostly outside of education. So maybe don’t fill too much of your brain’s capacity with -no matter how well intended- partial information and things that used to be true. Just get through the system as quickly as you can. 

In the meantime, all that is truly required are a curious and creative mind, and a compassionate and open heart. With those two, you will find answers to questions no-one has had the courage, insight, perspective, or intelligence to ask yet. 

Learn how to think for yourself. Learn how to feel what is right. Some day, the system -any system- will either evolve, self-destruct, or disappear completely. But the world will not be waiting for any of those things to happen. 

Keep in mind that no system can either judge your intelligence or teach you what you need to know for the world your generation and those after are about to create. What it can do is give you time. While you are being assessed on qualities you may never need, use the opportunity to develop the qualities you will need. Be kind. Be creative. Be real. Be a team player. Learn how to lead. Learn how to follow. Ask questions. Investigate answers. Never accept something as absolutely true, because even if it is, that may quickly change.

Accept the things you cannot change now, but -eventually- change the things you cannot accept. 

When your time comes, all will be as it should be. And if not, you will by then be fully equipped to not only see, but also change it into, how it could be. 

*****

GUILT IS A SHAME. SO IS SHAME.

I know you must feel guilt or shame at times. We all do. The more we have been hurt, unseen, or unloved, mostly by ourselves, the more easily guilt or shame will find us. Once they have, the more desperately they will want to stay with us. Simply because they have nowhere else to go. No other purpose but to haunt us with our past. Open the door and listen to them, maybe even let them in -they are family, after all- but don’t let them overstay their welcome. 

The thing is, when you look at life as energy, where everything is made of waves and particles, where everything is potentially everything, everything has its frequency and density. Things that feel light -such as love, peace, and bliss- are light in both frequency and density. Things that feel heavy -such as fear, anger, or apathy- are heavy. Feeling these emotions weighs heavy on your heart, right? Even literally. 

Of all the things that are heavy on the heart, guilt and shame are the heaviest. Once you carry those, they will not only weigh you down. They will keep you down. Until you release them. Please do. As soon as you can. 

As soon as you identify a feeling as guilt, replace it with responsibility. Guilt is passive for both you and the other person. While you are the offender, guilt lets you play the victim. It’s the perfect excuse to do nothing and hold all parties involved captive in the past. Responsibility, however, is the ability to respond. You own up to what you did and take responsibility for making sure the other person not only knows you regret it, but you will also do everything in your power to make sure you will not do it again, preferably not to anyone. As soon as you promise yourself to do better next time, you will much easier be able to let go of guilt. If you do not intend to do better next time, however, don’t you dare apologize. Your words will mean nothing and the nothingness of your words will wound the person you are trying to make amends with. Apology without action will only make things worse. 

The same goes for shame. The main difference between guilt and shame is this: guilt usually hurts two parties. Shame is more discrete, but not less destructive. Shame is self-hurt. It is you punishing yourself for whatever you feel you need to be punished for. Either in the eyes of the outside world or in the eyes of your inner critic. Please remember that self-punishment doesn’t serve anyone. Shame doesn’t serve anyone. What shame does is make you want to be invisible or even disappear, but that will not change anything for the better. Only for worse. It makes you disconnect from the other and from your true, lovable, worthy, more than good enough, self. If you are able to stay connected to your true self, beyond your shame, then in time you can learn again not to punish yourself, but to simply feel the emotion, decide what really happened and choose to take responsibility for what did happen. Let’s say something bad really did happen and you are to blame: So you failed at being your best self. Try again. Reconnect with the other. Apologize if an apology is in place. And if not, be a little kinder to yourself. Maybe even tell your inner critic: ‘Thank you, but I will no longer be needing your services. I am good enough now.’ 

Then you forgive yourself. But we’ll go into that later. 

*****

LISTEN.

My darling child, listen. Listen to the birds, to the wind, to the spoken and the unspoken, to the outside and the inside. 

When alone, simply ask yourself: ‘what do I hear?’ Before you know it, entire symphonies will be performed that, a moment ago, you were oblivious of.

When with another person, listen to them. Truly and sincerely listen to whoever dares to share with you who they are, how they long, where they hurt, what they embrace. Connect not only with your ears and your mind, but with your heart. 

Try to connect to all of them with all of you. If you truly hear them, you will truly see them. In doing so, you will give them the greatest gift of all: your presence. 

Pay special attention to the moments of silence; the most profound messages are often spoken wordlessly. If you can remain silent with the other and with yourself, even if just for a moment, you are holding space for whatever is still trying to find its way to the surface, for whoever needs a little bit more time, or courage, to construct either their sentences or their silences. The secret to truly listening is in the waiting. Not waiting to speak, for your turn, not to give an answer, an insight, an opinion, a thought, or a solution, but simply waiting for whatever it is that wants to emerge from the space between you and the other. Be with that space. Even if it feels empty. Even if you are tempted to fill it. Only do so if it flows up to the surface naturally. And if it’s you who is about to speak, be true, be kind, be sincere. If you speak from that place, magical words will be spoken. And heard. Divine connections will be created. You will be amazed.

*****

LIFE IS FOR LIVING.     

In this lifetime, you will experience many things I would love to be able to protect you from. Burdens that, if given a choice, I would willingly and lovingly carry for you if I could.  Thankfully, I can’t, because my protection would make you absolutely vulnerable to anything. If I could make your life easy for you, you would end up with a hard life. 

Please know and understand that our deepest work, our most crucial growth, is often rooted in pain. This is not necessarily a bad thing. See yourself as a lobster who literally needs to break out of its old shell in order to grow into its new self. Going through the pain with all you have will give you the kind of power that can only be accessed by rising above the self that feared the pain.

I know you can handle anything that comes your way. If not, I firmly believe you would not have to experience it. Usually, you will find out that there’s something better waiting for you on the other side. The loved one who dumps you will make room for someone better. The job you won’t get, even though you were the most qualified to do it, will make room for a purpose you will discover soon after. Or twenty years later. The car crash will point you into a better direction then where your life was going. The heartbreak will help you feel more deeply. The loss will show you how much you really have. The big things crashing down on you will show you it was all about the little things anyway. 

Life is for living, my darling. And that can only be done by experiencing everything it throws your way. The good, the bad, and the ugly. True beauty lies in living through all of it. True bliss lies in loving all of it. True wisdom lies in learning from all of it. And we learn most from the things we’d rather not learn. 

I cannot do it for you, but I will be there with you. I will cheer you on, hold your hand, open my arms, hold the door, and have your back. Always. 

*****

WHAT DO YOU NEED?

In the western world, we are so focused on what it is that we want, it tends to become the most frequently asked question in our quest for happiness. But more often than not, it’s the most irrelevant of all. 

Getting what we want rarely leads to more happiness. Getting closer to it may come with a variety of pleasant feelings, but the moment you reach something is also the moment you lose the longing for it. The loss is in the gain. 

Over and over again, we fight for things that don’t bring us peace. Because we answered the wrong question. Because we asked the wrong question to begin with. 

Have you ever gotten everything you asked for and still, something was lacking? 

Have you ever gotten the opposite of what you asked for and still felt as if you had gained something?

Instead of ‘what do I want?’, ask yourself: ‘what do I need?’.

Silence your mind. It doesn’t know how to answer this. Wait for your heart, your belly, or your entire body to speak. Your inner wisdom will give you something pure, true, and important.

When you’re given an answer, you may not like it. It may not be nice. It may not be comfortable. It may not even be something you want. At least, not for right now. What you need will fulfill you in a way a want never could. The want usually stands for a much deeper need that fulfilling the want itself never could fulfill. A need that is bound to remain undiscovered until you dare to invite it in. Fulfillment is an inside job. 

Getting what you want may give you a full house, a full bank account, or a beautiful picture. 

Getting what you need gives you a full heart and a beautiful life. It nourishes, nurtures, and sustains you. And ultimately: it will give you what you TRULY want. 

So: what do you need, right now? 

*****

For more chapters, please check my Instagram account @soundofconfetti.